Ecripps
by Miss Sheenie
Summary: The Cullens are dismayed when they realize Edward has chosen a human named Bella as his mate. What they don't know is the reality is much, much worse: Edward has chosen a werewolf named Jacob.
1. Farewell, My Sweet Prince

Jacob was doing sit-ups in his bedroom when he heard a light rapping at his window. He considered putting a shirt on, but then he smelled it. The distinct smell which, at first, had seemed like a rotting corpse to him, but which now smelled like pure sex. Edward Cullen. Jacob opened his window.

"Get your sweet ass in here," he growled as he hoisted Edward inside.

"Pleasure to see you," Edward grinned once inside. "Shirtless, as always."

"I don't know how long I can keep covering for you," Jacob smiled, shoving Edward onto his bed and pouncing on him. "Quil keeps complaining about the smell in my room. Thinks I need a shower."

Edward laughed and rolled on top of Jacob. "I prefer you dirty."

"Oh fuck, yes," Jacob said. He began kissing Edward passionately.

Edward placed his hands on the bed beside Jacob for leverage, grinding his cock against Jacob's. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the faint glimmer of something under Jacob's pillow. It was… no. What? No, it couldn't be.

"Is that…?"

"OH MY GOD," Jacob blurted, scrambling to hide whatever it was.

Edward began laughing uncontrollably. He had read Jacob's mind. "A sparkly DILDO? Where on EARTH did you get that?"

Jacob bashfully cast his eyes downward. "Internet."

"Good God, you keep it in the REFRIGERATOR? In the back of the refrigerator, so Billy won't see it?" Edward was roaring with laughter now.

"Would you STOP reading my mind?" Jacob asked through gritted teeth.

Edward composed himself. He stroked Jacob's face, his laughter slowing into short, soft chuckles. "I'm sorry. It's sort of flattering, in a way."

* * *

"Yo, where's Edward?" Emmitt asked without looking away from the video game he was playing.

Alice popped the balloon she was holding in her hand. "What? Edward isn't here? IT'S TWO HOURS TO BELLA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND EDWARD ISN'T HERE?"

"Don't worry, babe," Jasper assured Alice, rubbing her shoulders. "Y'all just check and see when he's comin' on back now."

Alice closed her eyes and concentrated for a few moments. When she opened her eye, she stomped her foot. "I don't know! I can't see him at all, for some reason."

"Maybe he's thinking about ditching," Emmitt laughed.

"He's probably just with Bella." Rosalie couldn't restrain her eye roll.

"Yeah, man. He's TAPPIN THAT ASS," Emmitt hooted.

"Well, it's about time. Remember when we took him to see the Forty-Year-Old Virgin?"

"Ugh, I know it was so embarrassing. For all of us."

"Now, now," Esme interjected. "Edward may be a… late bloomer, but he's coming into his own now and he could use his family's support."

"Well we can't support him if he's not here." Alice quickly picked up the telephone and dialed the number she knew by heart.

* * *

Edward's phone rang in his back pocket.

"Leave it," Jacob mumbled in between sloppy kisses.

Edward tried to resist the ringing, but in a neurotic flash he pulled the cell phone out of his jeans and answered with a swift, "Hello?"

"EDWARD CULLEN, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"UHHHH—" Edward panicked. "I'm at, uh… I'm with Bella!"

"You're supposed to be here decorating," Alice insisted. "I told you I needed you here to help. You're the best interior decorator in the whole family, you know."

"I'll be there in a minute."

"Ugh, you might as well just bring Bella over here now, since you're already there. Just make sure you cover her eyes with a blindfold when you bring her in. I don't want her seeing a thing before the big reveal!"

There was a click as Alice hung up.

"You still haven't told them?" Jacob asked, a tinge of sadness choking his voice.

"Well I don't see you announcing anything either," Edward scowled.

"I would." Jacob's eyes were pleading. "I would if you would let me."

"Ugh." Edward stood up and re-buttoned the top of his shirt. "You don't understand. I'm…" Edward sighed in pain. "I'm _old school._"

"What is that, some kind of sex thing?"

"NO." Edward flew out of the window at warp speed.

Jacob curled into the fetal position on his bed, one wolf-sized tear trickling down his cheek.

"Farewell, my sweet prince."


	2. You Would Cry Too If It Happened to You

Billy knocked at his son's door. "Jake?"

From inside, Jacob tried to stifle his hysterical sobbing. "What… what is it?"

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jacob replied.

Billy opened the door and rolled inside. He saw Jacob's blotchy, tear-soaked face. "What's wrong?"

Jacob sighed. "I just feel so weird. I get so… angry all the time."

"Oh, son," Billy rubbed Jacob's shoulder soothingly. "You're just becoming a werew—I mean, a man."

"I don't know, Dad. First I gain like, fifty pounds of lean muscle overnight."

"Well you're a growing boy, Jake."

"Yeah, but then everything starts SMELLING weird to me. Did I tell you this? I looked it up on the internet and unless I'm pregnant, something weird is happening. Not that me being pregnant _wouldn't_ be weird—"

"Oh, SHOOT."

"What?" Jacob was startled by Billy's outburst.

"I just remembered, I promised to go over to Charlie's to watch the game. Bye!" Billy wheeled out of Jacob's room as fast as he could.

"God! Why is everyone acting so WEIRD today?" Jacob cried, exasperatedly slamming his face onto his pillow. White goose feathers shot out of the jagged bite mark Edward had left in the pillow just last week. Jacob watched them drift to the floor like broken dreams.

* * *

Alice's birthday extravaganza was nearly prepared. The second Edward and Bella had arrived at the Cullen house, Alice had whisked Bella away to her bedroom to dress her in the meticulously planned Bella Birthday Outfit.

And now here she was standing before him in a tasteful, yet lowcut, dark green dress. Alice had purposefully tried to dress Bella in a manner that Edward would find tantalizing; he could read this clearly in her mind. Alice seemed to think it was about time Edward get laid. Edward rolled his eyes. If only she knew the truth.

"…Well?"Alice asked. "How does she look?"

Edward closed his eyes and imagined Jacob's perfectly sculpted body, the way he would bite his lower lip, the way he could eyefuck the shit out of Edward until his clothes were in an untidy pile on the floor.

"Beautiful," Edward whispered.

"I'm going to give you two a little alone time." Alice couldn't stifle her sly smile as she slipped out of the room.

And then they were alone. Oh, God.

It wasn't that Bella was awful, Edward thought. On the contrary. Bella was a… handsome girl. Plus, she had the ass of a twelve year old boy—not that he was into _that_, necessarily. He wasn't a pedophile. (He briefly considered the fact that his boyfriend was 100+ years younger than him, but he quickly pushed that thought out of his mind.)

It was just easier to picture Bella as a boy, and being unable to read her thoughts helped a lot. Sometimes when he kissed her, he would grasp her long, chestnut hair and pretend the lips pressed against his were Jacob's. But somehow he was always yanked back to reality in a mildly shocking and deeply boner-killing way. Especially because these pitiful make out sessions always seemed to end in Edward pleading with Bella to stop taking off her clothes. Her boobs were small, but he was only mildly delusional. Sooner or later he had to face up to the fact that these things Bella was thrusting in his face were not pecs. Like, say, Jacob's pecs. Chiseled. Russet. Glistening with sweat.

Edward realized that his mouth was watering and tried to divert his attention to whatever Bella had been rambling on about for the past five minutes.

"I could protect you…if you changed me."

"No! I DON'T NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME," Edward screeched. "I mean, it's my job to protect you… from everyone except my sister.

"IT'S TIME!" Alice announced, jumping into the room excitedly. "It's time it's time it's time!" She grapsed Bella by the rist and hoisted her away.

Bella bit her lower lip, and turned her head back to Edward with a quizzical look. "Wish me luck," she muttered.

Edward shrugged his shoulders."Break a leg."


End file.
